Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   Just once I would like to begin my Christmas shopping before December 24th

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   Sometimes, the problem is your underwear.

   hi weekend! let me introduce you to my basement..........you're not going anywhere!

   convinced they gave a day pass to the people in the old folks home so they could work the polls today.

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   Don't you hate it when people start a whole conversation off you're status? C'mon guys, get a WALL!"

   ‎I don't remember anything from last night. Somebody must've put something in my drink". Yeah. If this was a game of Clue I'd have to go with "the bartender, In the club, with the vodka."

   Dear Mother Nature, hey, thanks [sneezes] for choosing POLLEN for plant reproduction....no, really[sneezes]....the stuff is great.....

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   Remember a diamond was merely a lump a coal that did well under pressure..

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. #GeorgeCarlin

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Why is the Queen dressed like the guy who owned Curious George?

   Apocalypse Tip: When you become a Zombie, stay clear of Washington D.C, no brains will be found there.