Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   Don't you hate it when people start a whole conversation off you're status? C'mon guys, get a WALL!"

   ‎I don't remember anything from last night. Somebody must've put something in my drink". Yeah. If this was a game of Clue I'd have to go with "the bartender, In the club, with the vodka."

   Do I look like a freakin' people person?

   (If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses)

   on an alcohol free diet. so far i've lost three days

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

   Just once I would like to begin my Christmas shopping before December 24th

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. #GeorgeCarlin

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Why is the Queen dressed like the guy who owned Curious George?

   Apocalypse Tip: When you become a Zombie, stay clear of Washington D.C, no brains will be found there.

   So me && grandma go for a joy ride and I turn on the radio, she says" who in the devil is this?" I replyed Grandma, his name is 50 cent, she then said " well I'll give him a dollar to shut up!"

   I'm opening a shelter for battered onion rings.

   It's not considered a "mood" if you're always in it. At that point, it's just YOU being a D-BAG!

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old

   “She ain't you" is by far Chris Brown's best hit since Rihanna.