Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend tried to buy something in the internet yesterday... Anyone know how to get a creditcard out of a disk drive?

   I can honestly say I'm 150lbs of pure sexy! Plus 50ish lbs of something soft and squishy

   Have you ever looked at someone and just known that the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?

   life is sooooooo much funnier when you have a dirty mind

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   You know you're getting old when you need a sports bra on to brush your teeth.

   sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...

   thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

   Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.

   Breaking news: Lebron James is taking his talents to Vancouver. Found out they only have to play 3 periods in the NHL, not 4.

   That unnecessary music they play in scary movies that is scarier than the actual movie

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   Recently engaged, now I gotta hold in my farts til we get married.

   I am dark and handsome. When it's dark, I'm handsome.

   When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."

   Just an FYI no one wants to date a b1tch even if your good looking.

   Just think, the one for you is walking the earth right now! Probably in a Wall-Mart somewhere!

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   Your life is none of my business, but if it was, I would sell it.