Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.

   If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.

   Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   Who named Trojan condoms? The Trojan Horse entered through the city gates, broke open, and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone's day

   Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke.

   Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

   Highways need 4 lanes per side. A Nascar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.