Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ...

   I lived through Obama. You'll live through Trump.

   It's weekend! So drink triple.. see double.. act single!

   is watching "according to Jim"...god definatly took the wrong Belushi

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age

   Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

   You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

   This is what happens when you order a president through the mail.

   there sure is going to be a lot of people losing their virginity in the year 2012.

   Have you ever watched birds and wondered: "If I could fly who would I crap on first?"

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   hey hun!!!! The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   I love looking up at a guy when I'm giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.