Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa: if you ignore all my actions during weekends and all the alcohol I drank, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months I was a good boy, wich makes me 50% good...It's up to you to see the glass half empty or half full

   going to give my pillow some head :0) and my sheets some ass.!! G"night!!!

   You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.

   lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.

   Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   Due to the success of Toy story 3. BP are in talks to release, "Try Finding Nemo Now".

   if you are 17, and still dressing up and coming to my house for Halloween, you sure as hell better say "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You" like the little kids do.

   I wish there were visiting hours in heaven.

   I'm gonna surprise the gf, and wake her with oral sex...hope she doesn't choke.

   You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   OH NO!!!! My purse is gone! How did they know where I keep it?

   I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

   We don't need new applications, We don't need no ad control, Some light sarcasm in my update, Hey! Facebook! Leave us kids alone! All in all it's just another post on my wall.

   was on the street and he saw an ugly pregnant lady, and he just thought, 'Good for you.'

   March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you're job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.

   The school shooting happened at Sandy Hook Elementary? Sandy is officially the worst name of 2012.

   I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.