Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I am forgetting about something. Oh that's right the titans. I was supposed to remember the titans.

   Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.

   "theres plenty of fish in the sea"...apparently I'm looking where bp had an oil spill cause all I find is dirty ones

   If we're in a car and I love the song on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I now hate you

   4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬

   They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

   I always feel sad when I white van drives right past me... It makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy

   Cop cars should play the jaws theme song

   Odds are there is someone who is your “Facebook Friend” that you absolutely cannot stand and the only reason you keep them on your list is to watch their slow untimely demise.

   used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.

   Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

   f you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.

   'Beautiful women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer'

   the electronic sign said to call 911 if we see drunk drivers, isnt it against the law to use your phone in the car ?

   Amy Schneider is a biological male. The swimmer from Penn State is a biological male. They should not be given records that were previously relegated to the ranks of biological females.

   I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.

   I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty good at changing light bulbs.

   I searched on Google: "What do Women want?" Google search results: "We are searching too"

   It's the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!