Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.

   A man was arrested in England for robbing a store not with a gun; but holding a picture of a gun. God it takes courage to be that stupid.

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   At least Herman Cain knows when to pull out......

   You actually play with the volume more often when watching porn.

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy.....

   People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed.

   A good man will admit when hes wrong.. A really good man will change the subject... Without the other party even realizing it..

   Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.

   If North Korea hits us, I think the Military should kneel down and let the NFL players handle it.

   The signs of a good plate of nachos? When you turn your plate 3 or 4 times and have NO idea where to start!!

   My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

   My girlfriend is a porn star, she's going to be so pissed when she finds out.

   Imagine how good Bieber's loves songs are gonna be when he sees a vagina

   I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing s tatuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as my own original thoughts.

   Wanna feel old? This years high school graduating class was born in 1995.