Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

   faking your birthday on facebook = finding out real friends

   It's better to give than to receive... especially in prison.

   Dear God, I know you wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but right now, I wish you didn't trust me so much...

   "America has no greater friend than Great Britain" ~ George Bush

   Jeeze! You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore! FML!

   i write like this and not "lYk DiS" because I'm an adult and I'm not retarded

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.....I can't put it down.

   I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund.

   likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.

   People please!! It's not the end of the world. It's just the beginning of a new, glowing, ticking kind of world..

   Ever have one of those days, when you just want to throw a wet cat at someone's face

   If I'm not mistaken, I believe my 6 year-old just tried to choke me by using the Force.

   DUDE I WASN'T THAT DRUNK! Dude, you were shaking pineapples yelling "Spongebob, I know you're in there!"

   It must be "National Beat Up Your Co-Worker Day" cause I've got the urge to walk across the hall and enjoy my holiday.

   Today's excuse for drinking beer: "I wanted some beer."

   the missus was not happy when I took out the tampons in her box and replaced them with party poppers!

   Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did.

   Don't sacrifice your friends for your "loved one". Because if your "loved one" is making you leave your friends...there's something wrong.