Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever look at your friend's photos on facebook and think to yourself "She is way too hot to be with that loser!"? Um, me neither. Actually it was a rhetorical question.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I wonder how long I can keep telling my kids I'm gunna call Santa..

   Well then....whatever cranks your tractor.

   I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

   I live the same way as I type... fast and with lots of mistakes

   when I was your age I lost my tooth, not my virginity

   wants to remind everyone that all those little ghosts, goblins, princesses, and witches are having the time of their life so please drink responsibly and drive safetly.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...

   I'm not feeling myself today....perhaps I should feel somebody else.

   whoever believes this 2012 crap about the world ending.......i mean seriously.....maybe the Mayans just figured it was already thousands of years past their time so why keep counting..........just sayin.......

   Please lets stop making stupid people famous and financing their stupid lifestyles.

   Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs

   Guys.. You ever see a very attractive female and think "man, I have no idea how she could be single" and then she says 4 sentences, and it all makes sense...

   Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.

   I'm no mathlete but I can tell you that a 6 year old running at 8 mph after an ice cream truck driving 10 mph files 7.4ft when you trip him.

   If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business..

   Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.