Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where I am from, if I was "16 And Pregnant" I'd get an ass beating not a TV show.

   Look, if we all work together, we can lift and move New Orleans to a new location...

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.

   If there was an accepted currency worldwide, it would be Beer.

   Love me or hate me. Either way I'm on your mind and I'm flattered.

   Gravity didn't seem this strong twenty-five years ago. :-/

   Darn it, someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   Get over the Kellyanne picture folks, it's not the first time a woman has been on her knees in the White House. Sad!

   My favourite Celine Dion song is the one where it's muted all the way through.

   Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.

   Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.

   ...... In the end ..... without even a fight .... A once great Nation .... Was gone. History in the making. Vote wisely folks.

   If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?

   Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

   "I'll retire when Whitney Houston stays sober for a year" - Pope Benedict XVI, 2012.

   Trust me, if I want your opinion-I'll remove the f*cking duct tape.

   Tiger Woods is doing so well at the Master's, you might think he was cheating!

   U know some people are like VIRUSES, they ENTER your LIFE, SCAN your POCKETS, TRANSFER your IDEAS, EDIT your MINDE, DOWNLOAD your HEART, and UPLOAD their PROBLEMS

   Man I love watching women's curling in the Olympics. It's the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.

   It scares me that some of you have children.