Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

   I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.

   People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin

   Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.

   Anything I say or do before i've had my coffee doesn't count.

   Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.

   You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.

   You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever" !

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   Yes we are facebook friends but I did not see your post because I unfollowed your boring ass. Thanks Facebook for the UNFOLLOW button.

   We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   Let's just call a car what it really is....a mobile phone charger,,,

   Thank you Facebook for options like: Block, Unfollow and Turn of chat for only some friends.

   If you see me at a Baskin Robbins and I have 2 gallons of ice cream in front of me and only 1 spoon... Don't ask me how I'm doing !

   If you are caught speeding in Michigan, the police issue you Detroit Lions tickets.

   Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.