Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I stand on my tip-toes, I can see the weekend from here!

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   congratulates Tiger Woods on the 2009 PGA Playa' of the year award.

   You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.

   They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   Hamburger Helper can only help the hamburger that wants help.

   If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal models?

   looks like we have a 7-year old on the loose today posting all kinds of outdated and b0ring sh!t.

   For christmas I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

   Please do not start naming your future newborn "blue Ivy", yellow mustard, dark orchid, pastel white, purple rain, orange caramel or anything that don't make sense; we already hav ppl named after cars(Mercedes, Infinite, Camry, Alexis).

   Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec

   Drink apple juice... OJ will kill you.

   Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, so I did the twist. They played “Jump”, so I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”… I got kicked out for that one.

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.

   I'm an Arab but NOT "death to America" Arab.

   Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”