Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.

   Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   It kinda bugs me when people tell me that a book is a "real page turner". I think we all know how books work...

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

   sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant staring at a pack of dogs.

   Free Snowmen outside.......some assembly required

   You call it Gray Hair...I call it "Stress Highlights".

   the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.

   this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.

   if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity.

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   wonders...If 7-11 is open 24hrs a Day, 365 Days a year......Why are there locks on the door?