Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I looked out from my house, there were no cars....no people around, and my neighbors driveways were empty. It was quiet.......too quiet. Of course you would be thinking the same thing as I was..........that's right...Zombies!

   Women are like roads: the more curves they have,the more dangerous they are.

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   wonders why Noah didn't kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

   was anyone really surprised by Ricky Martin's coming out? I mean, it started when he was young...he was in the band Menudo, aka MEN - you - DO...

   Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

   this is not a joke.....if an application for a dislike button comes up on your facebook DO NOT OPEN IT....it is a scam.Just thought I'd warn you folks!

   watching Jersey Shore...Are my eyes supposed to bleed?

   UPDATE: In the wake of Starbucks announcing a new, bigger size yesterday, McDonalds will come out with a 400-pound McNugget.

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   When we were kids, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on our foreheads.

   I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.

   Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.

   What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?

   The most inappropriate time to tell someone they have the "Moves Like Jagger" is during a seizure.

   Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing

   I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and sh1t myself!

   Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.