Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Egypt Power and Light reports all 10 customers without power...

   Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.

   It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

   it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch"was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   There we go... the first of a long series of Pluto's selfies...

   I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.

   You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.

   So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.

   Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.

   Come a little closer so I can push you away. - Women

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   Really Thailand???? Nobody asked??

   Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.

   I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day.

   Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?

   Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.

   If porn had been free on the internet 20 years ago, I could have out arm wrestled a bear!!