Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is safe to say that I am in the shower for a good 15 minutes before I actually start cleaning myself.

   FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"

   I want to be a stay at home dad... minus the kids.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   You can really see a person's driving skills, on the way they handle the shopping cart

   Everyone "shares" on occasion, but the self proclaimed Great one should be arrested for grand theft.

   So the house used to film the Jersey Shore is now for rent. Can you imagine what you would see if you went thru there with a UV light? Yes, that's right.... hair gel EVERYWHERE.

   If Facebook isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it

   If no one likes you, you want to re-evaluate yourself because not everyone can be the problem

   changed his/her relationship status to "None of you damn business"

   decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before she discovered Facebook...

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enoug

   I want a search engine that will tell me where my keys are.

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   i gotta stop playing call of duty black ops, I swear today at work I thought I could upgrade my staple gun..

   Bella: your pale white and ice cold. You don't eat anything, and I can't find you when the sun's out. I know what you are. Edward: Say it. Say it out-loud. Bella: A...snowman.