Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.

   If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.

   "Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.

   I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."

   Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   I'm not antisocial. I'm pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?

   How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?

   My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch