Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, go ahead & put me in a top hat. .

   Always hold your girlfriend/wife's hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!.

   I can't believe I paid $6 for diahrea thanks Taco Bell!

   Motels....Because you and your hooker deserve better than the backseat of some car.

   if it weren't for the presents and money think about how terrifying it would be to our children that a fat man, a fairy and a giant rabbit break into their houses every year...

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   will wait for Apple to unveil the more powerful version: the maxiPad.

   "Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?" --- Charles Barkley

   would never hit an elderly person... but old man winter is really pushing his luck!

   going to watch earth hour on T.V

   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

   If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either!

   (Insert insignificant nonsense that nobody else cares about here)

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   ..wonders what would happen if she DIDN'T place the microwave popcorn This Side Up..hmmm

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!

   My apartment is where weird foreigners go to have a loud conversation right outside of...

   Facebook.........its not a website, its a lifestyle

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   Live every week like it's shark week.