Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Websites that automatically play loud videos, thanks for trying to get me fired!

   In order to raise my performance at work I've decided to lower the companies standards.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   My Valentine is just like my pinkie toe; eventually I'm gonna bang it on all the furniture in this house...

   Some of these girls posting "I'm ugly", "fml", "hmu" should just change their status to, “demands attention”. #GEToverYOURSELF

   Want to know who your friends are?...Tell everybody the truth and see who still hangs arounds you afterwards.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   I'm Not Arguing. I'm Simply Explaining Why I'm Right.-Women

   Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it.

   not been to his Farmville in so long I just found out it was paved and turned into a parking lot...

   Being single sucks.....especially when all 3 of your roommates date moaners...

   You are more confused than a male lady bug

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   Girls just want to have funds.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in again.

   Black Friday...the day when normal people turn into zombies armed with shopping carts.

   It's a facebook status, not an opportunity to spill your whole life story and look for everybody's pity

   Ladies: Don't over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book

   If you get offended easily, I suggest you avoid me like a redneck relative.

   id much rather have morning wood than morning sickness