Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!"

   Special note to all kids returning to school: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty or not dressed in the most "in" clothes,PLEASE step up.

   Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….

   Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   RIP Khaddafi. Also, RIP Qaddafi. And let us not forget: RIP Ghaddafi. And just to be safe, RIP Caddaphee.

   what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.

   "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

   Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."