Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is watching the fight tonight, and I'm over here loading Rocky into the DVD player a $100 richer #winning

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning and the next day I do it all over again.

   If it turns out Lance used drugs to beat cancer, I'm going to be so disappointed.

   I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?

   Even with a privacy fence, I don't think it is safe for the neighbor woman to sunbath topless in her back yard...I almost fell off of the my roof 3 times last week.

   There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.

   If you think you're gonna get $5000 by sharing a photoshopped photo of Bill Gates you might also want to send me your bank account username and password.

   If I pause my p orn to text you back, marry me.

   if you have a problem with me, call me and we can talk, if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me...

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying