Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup...

   Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.

   Ladies; Ke$ha has a perfume out…in case any of you want to smell like vodka soaked glitter, and crippling regret.

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?

   Shout out to the guy in drive thru who went against the man, and gave me THREE packets of Ketchup for my large fries.

   I'll be glad when the people on the funny side of the world wake up

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.

   Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter should stop bleaching his mullet so dudes can't see him coming a mile away

   Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.

   Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.

   Cocaine so white it's head of the NAACP.

   I am hoping that legalizing gay marriage will increase the chances of a hot lesbian couple moving in next door.

   If hJared Fogle goes to jail for this, he can expect a footlong of a different variety.

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   My dentist said I grind at night. I said, I think the kids call it twerking now.

   If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   I parked next to a Prius today.... well, on top of one, but same thing.