Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)