Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent. 
That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches.
The lady in front of me at Walmart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her you should try putting that on your v@gina
My signature move is learning the hard way.
Kim Kardashian looks like a pregnant drag queen.
Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 kph over the limit anyways. And those stupid ricer flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.
Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.
Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them
Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.
if Taylor would learn to blow like a good all American girl, she'd never ever ever......have to write another break up song.
best friend....someone who walks in with a flashlight when life is the darkest....
Valentine's day: Dinner for two: $80. Movie: $60. Flowers: $85. Gold Necklace: $250. Hotel room: $150 OR a Prostitute: $100! You decide.
My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.
I'm going to start putting girls in the friendzone.. See how they like it!
Just checked out the Ancestory site and found out that JAY-Z was 25% Camel
Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.
Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...
BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome. 