Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   The only difference between try and triumph is a little 'umph'.

   So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook.

   I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn't mean to say it out loud.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   To best understand men, you need to grasp the following: 1. They think with their pen!s 2. They wanna fix everything 3. They wanna fix everything with their pen!s

   If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.

   Are you leaning on your left elbow?

   Housekeepers at the White House looking at all the puddles on the floor, and as expected, they are following the path taken by Biden.

   It would be pretty cool if, on her last show, Oprah ripped off a mask and it was Michael Jackson.

   for my next magic trick, I need a condom and a volunteer.

   every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten..

   America... the only country in the world where not buckling your child in a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty than murdering your child.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f-kin mind games?!

   “Buy a man eat fish, the day, teach man, to life time.” ~ Joe Biden

   Prince William revealed today that he changed his first diaper. Unfortunately, it was Queen Elizabeth’s.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !

   There is no I in UGLY but there is a U!