Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feel like I should smoke a cigarette after what it took to get the Canberry sauce out of the can.

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard.

   There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego.

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   If she high-five you after sex...marry her on the spot.

   Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.

   Dont be disappointed if ppl refuse to help you.... remember the words of Einstein.... "Im thankful for those who said "NO" because of them I did it myself!" ツ ♡

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   My neighbors parked to close to my car again. And hey look at that, Somebody keyed their car again.

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.

   What Woodstock 1969 tought us is that life isn`t about waiting for the storm to pass, it`s about learning to dance in the rain...

   Funny how some women will spend over a hundred dollars for products to clean their face, yet purchase the cheapest toilette paper to clean their A$$.

   Snooki pregnant? The world rejoices! Except for the 73 men who are doing some hardcore math.

   He's been marinating in honey for years. Don't tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn't be tasty.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.