Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say you are what you eat but I don't remember eating a sexy beast.

   It's funny how Lady Gaga can pull off a man better than a woman.

   "Weed is illegal" - "Yeah, so is half the music on your ipod."

   Your mother sat on my glasses and broke them, I guess it's partially my fault, I should of took them off my face first.

   I'm ecstatic about this radioactive wind, this is my closest chance to get those superpowers I always wanted. Thanks japan!

   The U.S. is ready to launch a strike on Syria to help restore peace in the country. You know, like they did with Iraq and Libya.

   Just realised why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.

   My favourite "The Addams Family" character is probably Lady Gaga.

   girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..

   Right now the United States and China are tied in total Olympic medals! Of course we trail in Gold medals because every time we win one we have to turn it over to China to pay our debt!!!

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   Scientists Say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.. They Forgot to mention Morons..

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof

   Never Judge the Beauty Of a Girl By Her Profile Picture. Judge it By the Photos She is Tagged in

   In honor of Black History Month... I plan to leave my kids and quit my job.

   Next time your on a roller coaster take some extra bolts with you then when you're going up that first hill tell the guy in front of you "these just fell out of your chair!!!!"

   I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals

   Hi I'm the T-Mobile My Touch 4G. Since Apple gave Verison the IPhone and not us, we feel salty and are going to attack them in every commercial.

   let me get this straight -------------------------------~ Damn! So close

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.