Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   What did one Blackberry user say to the other? Nothing!

   Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"

   Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.

   Breaking News: Nancy Grace calls in sick for work...

   When humans mutilate and dismember each other in movies it's Rated R, but apparently when Autobots and Decepticons do it it's PG-13.

   If a professional athlete wants more $ because they out play their contract then they should get less $ when they under play their contract.

   I'm trying to solve a murder mystery, but the only clue is a broken calculator found at the crime scene . . . Something doesn't add up.

   if the grass seems greener on the other side, it just means someone is using better manure

   The only person I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday.

   Looks like Jay-Z finally found that 100th problem.

   Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman

   Ah, Sarcasm. What would I ever do without you?

   when contemplating a murder-suicide, always kill yourself first

   nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.

   I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost outta beer.

   When I got Internet, I started watching T.V. less and less.

   I heard that old Paris Hilton song "Stars are blind" today. Still stinks! Listening to that song is probily more painful than getting a prostate exam from Freddy Kruger!

   Here's something that could revolutionize St. Patrick's Day -- green Pepto-Bismol.