Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.

   I need two lives. One to do the things right and another to be myself.

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   You have to kill some brain cells if you want new ones to grow. It's called cognitive pruning.

   Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!

   I fear the day someone invents a vibrator that can also open jars.

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   You know you have a good plate of nachos when you rotate the plate a few times and still can't figure out where to start eating them from

   Does karma have a silent observers hot line or something? I'd like to speed up the process for a few people!

   12 miles on the treadmill in 68 minutes! ..... tomorrow, I might actually get on it.

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.

   Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor

   Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yeah right. Holla at me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.

   I need more pets because I'm running out of passwords.

   I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.