Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   checking the obituaries for any cool job openings

   I find it funny when people mention 'boys toys' I think of gadgets, cars, consoles. But when they mention 'womens toys' I think of vibrators, nipple clamps and whips

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

   I think a great name for an energy drink would be "F5." The tagline could be, "Hit the F5 to refresh!" Bask in the warmth of my genius.

   Next dude I see on my newsfeed with a shirtless mirror pic is being defriended.. I dont care who you are

   Thinks that you should've been swallowed at conception.

   I guess it's "No Pull Out" season. Almost every chick on Facebook is pregnant.

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn't even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.

   Making a list of people I want to visit after catching Ebola.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   You know that the Pot used to call the Kettle something much worse right?

   started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems

   Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.

   Now I know why they call her "head nurse" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses...not what I was hoping for.

   People boycotting L.L.Bean because the owner gave money to a Trump PAC? Not going to hurt them much as they sell work boots.....

   Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....

   My white privilege was me working 2 jobs to put myself thru the cheapest public university I could attend...