Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are drowning and you can save just one, what kind of cupcakes are you baking?

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?

   Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....

   One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice....no they don't, oh no they don't.

   Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!

   Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

   Do not drink and drive...because there are people out there who text and drive and they will hit you and it will be your fault!!!

   I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog!

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   I need to stop lying to myself !!! This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween !

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people work out and absorb the benefits for myself.

   People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.

   do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?