Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   read that "Tiger is ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.

   has decided that a Man's nipples are for decoration.

   (fill in the blank)__________ me, I'm Irish.

   saying, some people.... need a daily dose of... shut the f**k up!!!

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Christmas toys & their parents are BOTH broke..

   Snowman hunting is good training for the zombie apocalypse.

   If I ever kick the bucket, can I get one of you to wipe out my computer and empty the top drawer next to my bed?

   Hey punk with the old run-down beefed up car with the spoiler that's WAY too big....when you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop light, don't be surprised when I make you work for it....

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   A note of fact- Under Armor is an clothing designed with exercise in mind. It is not intended to be a girdle.

   50% single...

   no more Farmville, Cafeworld or Sorority Life! I will cage your animals, spray your crops, burn your cafe and pimp your sorority girl!!!

   I love it when people say they haven't evacuated during a hurricane because they had to protect their homes. Who the hell do they think they are? Superman?

   its better to lose a lover then to love a loser

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   not bitter. I'm just unsweetened...

   loves the smell of a home-cooked breakfast...mmmm bacon...now how do I get that smell in my house?