Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Gonna ride a two person bike around campus by myself until I make a friend. 
It's bad when I feel I need to carry a rape whistle with me when I go to the gas station!
Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!
Apocalypse shopping list: 1. Flame thrower 2. 25 boxes of aluminum foil 3. Pogo stick 4. 3 dozen wind up chattering teeth 5. 20 pounds of Lobster tail (Carman Electra's favorite) 6. 15 cases Grey Goose vodka 7. Strobe light 8. Disco Ball
I'd like Facebook to suggest: Since you've just de-friended that loser, how about you get rid of some more deadweight, like ……
MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.
Anything that comes in a spray can doubles as a bug killer.
I just saw a commercial where every line at Walmart was staffed with a cashier. It's amazing what fantasy you can create on television!
Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.
Dear Yahoo, Ive never heard someone say "i dunno lets 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.
Just witnessed a man purchasing Tampax at Walgreens. This man deserves bonus points!!
Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all.
Stop crying. You asked what I thought of your haircut and "macho" is a compliment where I come from, lady...
Facebook Introduces New Oil Drilling Game, Spillville
Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.
can't understand you.... I don't speak fluent bullsh!t
When Kanye and Kim finally break up - does that automatically put her back on the Black market? Asking for Lil Wayne.
a man was just arrested for having sex with a woman in exchange for food. He was charged with dating.
All these tornados need to aim better ---------> Westboro Baptist Church 