Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

   The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .

   In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....

   Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   why is it when there are 2 girls in a profile picture it always belongs to the uglier of the two?

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.

   Will Smith should win an Academy Award for acting like Hollywood's held him back.

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   You have 200 pics of only your face on Facebook? You must be so thin...

   I'd go to the gym more but you have to park like 2 blocks away!

   Never open a email with the attachment " Charlie Sheen footage". It's not a virus or anything,but lets face it, we've all had enough of that idiot lately.

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".