Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I went fishing for bottom feeders yesterday, and caught a R0unders! 
What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT
Ever heard yourself sing in the shower and wondered why the f$#! you havent released an album yet??..
It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.
Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady There, now you don't need to watch ESPN this week.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.
wondering if when French people swear, do they say excuse my English
today is an EPIC DAY: At the end of "Back to the Future", Doc sets the Delorian to go 25 years into the future. That date is today... July 5th, 2010.
can't wait til menopause do us part...
This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.
come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.
Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.
Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.
I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.
If you only remember one thing today, remember this.
Just woke up from a colonoscopy with my smock on backwards, Barry White music playing in the background and my doctor with his feet kicked up smoking a cigarette and told me everything went just fine…
tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!
Have you crapped so violently that you back cracks and your legs spasms? Ohh, yeah me either...
Oh! So you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar! 