Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours

   If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.

   Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.

   If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"

   Girl says "Guys are like bras. They hook up behind your back.".... The best reply, "Girls are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet then on your d!ck!"

   Social Security checks are go paperless. Cause if the is something senior citizens are good at it's online banking.

   Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...

   I copied my Match@com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.

   I had a falling out with a co-worker when he found out I slept with his sister. We're cool now. He is even teaching me Spanish. Now I can order steak(Soy un idiota que tiene sexo con las vacas). Thanks Javier!!

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.

   Flash Mob. My Place....bring Wrapping paper!

   My Wife tld me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ''Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!'' wasn't a good answer!!!

   been so depressed thinking about the economy I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

   i still think womens clothes look best on the floor.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   Worst thing to feel during a proctology exam ???...Two hands on your shoulders

   reading another chapter of How to Make Balloon Animals for Dummies - So far I can make a snake...