Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked

   A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

   So .... The DNC Chairiwoman "Debbie Wasserman Schultz" was forced to resign over PROOF of Corruption .... And is IMMEDIATELY Hired by the Hillary Clinton campaign ...... That kinda tells ya something about Hillary doesn't it!!!!

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.

   Baby Lives Matter!

   Fortunatly the end of the world didn't occur today. Sam and Frodo managed to reach Mount Doom and destroy the ring of power. Golemn didn't make it though.

   Some days it's just too hot for pants :)

   Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly .

   It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.

   We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.

   You might be a redneck if ya get divorced, re married and still have the same "in law's"

   The Kids nowadays play around so young they're making Birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone.

   having an anti-valentines day party

   Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

   MEN are like BLUETOOTH. When they are with You, they are connected. When they are not with you, they are searching for other devices to connect to.

   I have learned "Limited Edition" means piece of crap that is going to be replaced with a better version in the near future.

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty