Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be judgmental. We're all screwed up.

   Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...

   Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar

   The three phases of love: 1. XOXO 2. XXX 2. EX

   If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.

   If you're wondering at what point I stopped caring, it was pretty much when you said, "Hi, my name is _________."

   You can say anything about the Amish on Facebook, there not going to see it.

   Maybe fake people will pretend to be real on Halloween.

   I'm pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people's fights.

   "From what I can remember" is the best way to start a story.

   The best place to survive a zombie apocalypse is where it most likely began. Walmart.

   I think my middle fingers have had too much caffeine… they have been up all Morning

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.

   I don't always eat cookies....but when I do, it's in a horrifically violent manner. - Cookie Monster

   She said "Every Kiss begins with K", I said "To bad Ugly begins with U"

   FACT: Couples who don't have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.

   Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.

   I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.

   am sorry boss, I know I said I'd do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.