Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.

   Do midgets get ticked off because their miniature golf courses are overrun by normal sized people?

   i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Gynecologists looking for a cool nickname, please remember Rug Doctor is a registered trademark.

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their FB inbox.

   "Single" doesn't always mean available, just as "in a relationship" doesn't always mean happy!

   We can bailout Big Banks, but we can save an American Iconic Twinkie factory from going out of business??? Priorities People!!!!

   You know when you have to wash the dishes when you are eating salad out of a coffee cup.

   “Hold on playa!” -Ghetto Yield sign.

   Now that Moammar Gadhafi is dead is it to soon to call dibs on his kick ass collection of sunglasses?

   How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel??

   My girlfriend insists on buying tuna in water. "It's healthier then the tuna in oil!" Then we get home and she puts a gallon of mayonnaise in it.

   Okay I will let you go but you are going to find out that there's not many like me, but there's plenty like you.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   “What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had