Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1.Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.

   Don't be upset if she preferred someone else, it's difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas...

   Government shutdown...is that a threat or a promise?

   If our Government shuts down how much Electricity will we save?

   Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.

   If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn't mean it's ok to wear them in public.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!

   Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”

   My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   Maybe Jada Pinkett Smith should receive an Oscar for acting like an idiot.

   Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.