Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.

   I hear screaming. That is the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   ‎"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"

   A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. None leave with me. The end.

   BOY: "Hi" GIRL: "I have a boyfriend" BOY: "I said 'Hi' not suck my d!ck"

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   I hope that Donald Trump's toupee is spared from the wrath of Hurricane Sandy... Be safe, little ferret

   FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)

   just two away from a threesome

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   I'm wearing that smile you gave me.

   Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.

   Have you ever woke up wanting to smack someone for no apparent reason?

   Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....

   thinking about going on a cruise just for the profile picture opportunities.

   I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.