Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   April Fools' Day was the worst day ever to have a heart attack

   Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where you take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends

   Ok I understand Food Stamps are for people who can't afford food. I can't afford GAS where is my fuel stamps???

   I got pulled over by a cop today and he said PAPERS and I said SCISSORS--I WIN!!! Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!!

   you ever had a girl that was so easy that you felt guilty afterwards?

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ''try me'' stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....

   "You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.

   My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives

   So..... Monica Lewinsky is now selling herself as a crusader for media abuse and ruined reputations.... Good for her because.... well..... ummm.... she blew her chance at a political career....

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but sometimes it's good to see who cares enough to break them down.

   Duct tape - $3.79, Shovel - $29.99, 50 lb. bag of lime - $14.99, Life without you - PRICELESS.

   thinks the world would be a lot more fun if people screamed when they yawned...

   there's no "I" in gang bang

   Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.