Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   The sigh of relief when you realize the song playing is "Under Pressure" not "Ice Ice Baby"

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   The adult way to end a relationship is to hide and hope it goes away.

   Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.

   Never mind those 2 N.K. subs that are missing, and more than likely are on there way to San Francisco.

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   I'm back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.

   For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You're totally f cked this month"

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   Nicki Minaj probably mixes all her make up in a bucket, adds water then sticks her head in and goes with whatever comes out.

   If booze isn't the answer, then your question sucks.

   If by multitasking you mean obsess and worry about a million things all at the same time then yes I'm multitasking.

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   No, I don't deserve sex because I bought you dinner - but after hearing all of the reasons why you became a vegan, yes.

   Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   Watching looney tunes as a kid led me to believe acme rockets would be a much bigger part of my transportation needs when I grew up.... so disappointed.

   Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.