Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The girls at Hooters may be hot, but when it comes down to it, the girls at Subway are the real wife material.

   Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

   I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!

   REMEMBER: Fighting terrorists has no rules of engagement. Terrorists cannot be reasoned with. A good terrorist is a dead terrorist. End of story.

   How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one.

   ha ha suckers, gullible IS in the dictionary, I checked....

   When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body. However, that changed when I was born.

   I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.

   Congrats, you're pregnant! But do you really need to take ALL those pictures of yourself showing your belly? I can't take 9 months of this!!

   I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday .. :)

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my Halloween Costume/

   it's almost 2011....I still find it hard to believe I do not have my own robot yet. Damn you Jetsons.

   as much a chance with the ladies as a bird does flying safely through Arkansas

   thinking Gucci Man is retarded; what kind of man get a tattoo of an ice cream cone on my face? Everyone knows Ice Cream is the least threating foods of the food groups... What an idiot.

   Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

   doesn't know the key to success, but definitely knows that the key to failure is to try to please everyone

   Morning without coffee is like sleep.