Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.

   Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me!

   The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.

   A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

   Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.

   Breaking News: NFL is going to investigate the Falcons for Domestic Violence against the Bucs...

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   A funny thing about tolerant people? They're only tolerant when you agree with them.

   Bernie, The "Anti-Establishment" candidate ..... Just joined the Establishment.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player...

   wondering why people think they are invisible when they pick their noses in the car?

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

   The Republicans have announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim benefits. Starting next week the forms will only be printed in English.

   Nothing sucks worse then buying a girl drinks all night and watching her leave with another dude.

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   My new doctor is a very attractive busty blonde.....I have now given up eating apples !!!!

   Dear Mr. City Plow Guy, I'd like to actually go to work in the morning so for a change can you maybe not make another Giant Ice mound at the end of my Driveway? For an added bonus could you use some salt on my road instead of just flatting out the snow.

   As I get older my fantasy hasn't changed, I still want two women at the same time, the only difference is......one cooking and one cleaning.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “there's one.”