Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time.

   I Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.

   I only look in your bathroom medicine cabinet to see how much we have in common.

   when you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, and I'll have to fight the attacker naked.."

   Dear coworkers, please understand that my headphones on are the international sign for "leave me the hell alone."

   My favorite exercise at the gym would definitely be judging.

   The official Boston Suspects video on Youtube starts with an advertisement ... WTF!!!

   Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy ass get up is when your laptop says 5% Battery Remaining.

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.

   Diet is going great! No hostess snack cakes at all this year

   There's something about today that wants me to be hungover tomorrow.

   Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   “Your driving is freaking terrible,” I said to my wife. “Oh come on!” She said, “It’s not that bad.” I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

   After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..