Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity. She should also think about dropping her knickers - for clarity.

   Girls have more guy friends because they cause less drama

   sitting beside a hot girl that just picked her nose and put it under her seat... She's no longer hot.

   The best revenge is success, or laxatives in cookies. ;)

   6:00 ???? They didnt even have clocks in the bible

   Alcohol is very very bad for you. It makes you admit stuff you wouldn't normally admit while sober. Trust me.

   WARNING: Asking people about their weekend may result in them telling you about it.

   NO! I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why I'm right DAMMIT!!

   If ladies could read my thoughts I would get slapped in the face A LOT!!!

   I remember when I was the bad ass that had to walk at the end of the line in kindergarten.

   Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

   GUY IN MALL: "Would you like to improve your balance and try this balance bracelet?" ME: "No thank you. I have toes."

   If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a father it's just because the kids say they don't want any bacon, make 2 extra slices, because they are lying.

   I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym

   It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. -Tyler Durden

   There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

   "YOU SHOULD'VE COME WITH US!" well, inviting me would've helped..

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   Here is a tip for you older people: Don't plank, people may think you're dead.