Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first time a man sees a woman naked is like a child seeing a present on Christmas morning.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   Thinking about taking a Carnival Cruise, but I can't decide which excursion to go on....... the one where the ship rolls over and you drown, and one where you get towed thru pirate infested waters, or the one where you get the bird flu. Fun, fun, fun

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.

   I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...

   Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible

   You laugh at me because I'm strange I laugh at you because your stupid!

   65 days until The Royal Wedding. I can't wait. Seeing that family gathered together always makes me feel really good about my dental plan.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple

   I miss the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad ‘cause I now do, in fact, have some questions.

   husband for sale...comes with xbox controller

   You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

   You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...