Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

   URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT! An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Setting>Enable Webcam> Record Movie. Please repost it to your status!!!

   "used to care, but now I take a pill for that!! "

   May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who ruins my day and may their arms be too short to scratch

   some old man is claiming Oprah is his daughter.... I think she should atleast interview him on her show. Not because he's her alleged father but because he's a black man admitting he's the baby daddy!

   I never comment on a joint FB account post because I never know who said it, the wife or the p ussy.

   Do camels think their feet looks like pussies?

   I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

   Bacon is the highest it’s ever been, car dealerships have no new vehicles, 200,000 houses are now 450,000 and grocery store shelves are empty half the time. Things are going so well right now. Thanks, Joe.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his p*ssy.

   3 things in this world scare me: 1. scorpions 2. jellyfish 3. streets named after civil rights leaders at night.

   You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

   Every girl has a slutty friend. If you don't, then you are the slutty friend.

   ‎7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don't be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse ;) Happy 4th of July!!

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them just to see what they would do!

   If I can make ONE person smile, laugh, or feel good about themselves every single day, then my purpose on this earth has been fulfilled. Everything else is there just to pass the time.

   Valentines advance: If she goes to the party, watches the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you then she is valentine material.

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press the share button.

   A friend who just returned from a visit to the recently looted CVS in Baltimore said all that was left in the entire store was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...