Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....

   Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart

   Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it's a slutty girl costume...

   Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   On the TV this morning the weatherman said to dress warm if you're going outside. If you need a TV weatherman to remind you to dress warm, you've got bigger problems than the cold weather...

   Ladies are forever saying "all men are dogs", but what they fail to realize is that dogs are loyal as fu¢k if you treat them right.

   You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

   Ladies, the whole "Prince charming" thing doesn't exist. Settle for the guy who knows the difference between "You're" & "Your"

   Does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding... I have no clue whose kid this is.

   Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they're and there.

   with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

   I'm 35 years old and still haven't figured out how to fold a fitted sheet.

   took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again..

   When you first start dating a girl, they say to look at their Mother to see how they'll look as they age. However.....I feel very judgmental when their Mother is practically the same age as I am:)

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   Thinks 'employee of the month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   World population rankings: 1:China 2:India 3:Facebook 4:USA